Over the past ten days I had a break from parenting when my daughter was away on a vacation with her father. During that time, while I missed the girl, I did some reflecting on parenting a teen-the successes, the not-so-successes (no failures in parenting!). I was able to step back and consider the approaches to working out conflicts that seem to work--i.e. keep the balance as much as possible!
Let us acknowledge how difficult it can be for our teens. Their brains are literally undergoing tremendous changes, fast-growth. I think the teen years may be the most difficult-not because our children are beastly but because they have so much to cope with: biology, school stress, worrying about their future goals, choosing the best colleges and making the grades to get themselves into said colleges, peers, boyfriends, girlfriends.....and parents. Key to the conflict that may arise between parent and teen is the lack of awareness of how very different the teen brain is. We expect reason-our reason. But as a teen they have their own reasoning that is in a constant state of development. Each experience brings about much learning, formulating identity, their sense of values, self-perception, judgement of the world around them....all in a state of flux like shifting sands beneath their wary feet. Throw in the hormonal fluctuations and the mix can be quite volatile! Worse, it can be so stressful for them that they doubt themselves, doubt the world, and their esteem suffers for it. Our job then is to provide an environment in which they can feel safe to explore their identity, to test their wings, to individuate.
I have learned some essential practices that have really helped my daughter and I work together and they are:
express
love often (they may roll their eyes-but it does make them feel good!)
have tons of
patience (this is a tough one and we will all have those 'moments'....just practice the patience as much as possible-you'll feel good for it and so will your teen!)
non-reactivity-stay
calm during the storms! (this really works with my teen-it drives her a bit nuts when I don't react but it demonstrates that things will be okay thus giving them a sense of security)
allow your teen to contribute to setting limits, creating schedules for chores, homework, extracurricular activities, family plans. (letting them be a part of the decision making process helps them to feel a sense of autonomy, that they have some choices and fosters a sense of responsiblity for their lives and their role in the family life. This practice has really helped to better our 'working' relationship and has made my daughter feel a sense of
value and
purpose in the family. We no longer fight over chores and homework!)
tell your teen that you
believe in them.
let them take
responsibility.....and let them make their own mistakes! (we learn most from our mistakes. If we do not allow them to assume responsibility for their schoolwork, afterschool jobs, etc. how will they ever be able to assume their
independence?)
talk to them. ask them how their day was. check in frequently. it shows you care.
take time for yourself. You will be a more patient, loving, supportive parent if you feel that your needs are being met!
